A video of me describing one of the major players in my self destructive universe. And a real story about violence, strength and solidarity.

I am not one of those people who will reject violence in all its forms. We can debate about it, I enjoy discussing these issues. Is there a kind of violence you find justified? And within the conversation I can accept arguments and receive criticism. But there is something I simply cannot accept is that I was worth what happened to me few days ago. We were hanging out with a friend in a busy street below Acropolis called Dionisiou Aeropagitou. 

We were drinking beers steaming out. An hour after midnight we split. She took the subway and I walked home. My house is like ten minutes away from that area. But for me things were getting the wrong turn, I had another meltdown. I could go on and explain everything about these self-destruct episodes I’m having but I’m afraid in this point will sound like a bad excuse of what I did. I start pushing the mirrors and kicking the doors of the parked cars. I remember that I really had no strength so there were no real damages, and I admit that kind of let me down, feeling weak. And then suddenly out of nowhere I found myself on the ground. Someone had just attacked me. I just remember feeling pain and restrained and my attacker explaining to someone “but she was destroying the cars”. The next words were “I will call the police” or someone suggesting that.  In that moment I got away and run as fast as I could. I was so confused and disoriented that night and the feeling I had was a strong will to die. I was running like a maniac and the other feeling I always get close to my death moments is solitude. No fear, no anger not even regrets I felt lonely.  It was Monday, the next morning and in the daylight I looked at my injuries. Even now days later my lower back still hurts. But these wounds will be healed. What I’m trying to make it better is how I felt wronged. I despite the “you worth it” kind of logic. The same that cops, bankers and everyone like them has in order to justify their actions against you. I being aggressive first doesn’t give to anyone the right to hurt me. I believe that with all my heart but I also once again feel alone. It’s really hard to find someone who will be by your side in your dark moments, when you misbehave. And the reason I decide to share this story in my blog along with a video I later recorded is because that night after what happened to me I felt closer to a character from my story. He also had been hurt and never found justice because no other can testify against the obvious. I couldn’t go and sue that man who attached me I have no witnesses. On the other hand he wasn’t by himself there was a woman in his car. And it’s not just this hard to prove case that I and my character share, even the sense of injustice. It is treatment, these words I hear as a consult, that I don’t need anyone. I live alone I’m independent and I can deal with any problem life has given to me. And that is both not only I and my character share and everyone who has heard these words. Anyone who wants to live free and away from fear anyone who struggles in life, that we don’t need anyone. Somehow is consider weakness to ask for help. To admit you’d like someone to be by your side. To ask for assistance when you are in pain. And it’s not, it’s the opposite. And now I understand that clearly. It’s not a sign of dependency is a basic human need, solidarity. Sometimes we find it even from a stranger, because that night while I was trying to get home, and I say trying because I had no clear route nor intention to get back I just wanted to disappear. Somehow I found a woman on my way and she showed me nothing but support. When she felt my despair she tried to make me forget my sadness by speaking of her baby boy. And right now I truly, for her and for everyone else who may never come out and say I know what you mean I’m with you seeing somehow that is a sign of weakness, for all these reasons I’m fighting against my idea of solitude. I’m not alone I’m just in a place, weird crazy place, where I can speak these words out loud without care. I will say it once again I have nothing to lose, I believe that. But what I’m bargain for is so fulfilling, even as a dream, that makes me gamble all that I have to achieve it. And like writing like any creative job it takes time and needs also a lot of work from me. Sometimes I’m happy to do it sometimes I struggle. If you like to hear how it is for me I have shared this video. I also read a part from my story where I describe this character I mentioned before. I haven’t said his name because he is kind of mysterious, introvert and he slowly takes shape. You will hear few words, just a first glance of him and nothing deeper but trust me when I say that he is the best.

Watch my video on youtube